Throw out everything you believe and start fresh. Women are not forced to learn or deal with anything other than preconceived impressions about them. So don't ever start any potential courtship with any preconceptions thereof. There is just as much "expected behavior" in a male as a female and it varies so much that the worst thing you can do is prescribe it as defacto truth.
That woman is a person, a person of her own mind/right/body. If you want to court that person, then be vulnerable, not virtuous. Sex and relationships aren't a reward, they're something you work for and express a desire for but in a way that's healthy and empathetic to the signals you give and receive.
You're gonna make mistakes. You're going to lose some and win some but as long as you are yourself and you are doing what you love - then those moments you may describe as virtuous and helping others should be flipped around and turned into the vulnerability of how they're helping you. If you can do that, people will want to be with you - as friends, as lovers, as partners.
As for "first moves" - perhaps you're just missing all the signals because you seem entirely idealistic in how you view them... I meet most of my lovers through music - and I don't mean we meet at a music store or music class or at a concert - but that we "connected" through music. If your potential partner says "man i really love that band" that may be a signal that you need to clue in. If all they say is "ok" "sure" then move on if music is your thing and keep on looking. The "signal" can be just that. (inversely, if that's all you do, you're not being vulnerable and signaling either)...
replace music with food/art/movies/culture/science/whatever...
but damn, while being virtuous, be yourself. When I volunteered at camp, it was amazingly hard and easy to find people to build relationships with - hard because some didn't work and some I didn't want to end - but the experience of building that bond made me a better person and I find that experience to be infinitely easier when I recognize that people are there to experience those experiences with other people who want to share those experiences... if you don't like what you do and don't connect that to the human experiences, no one but your momma is gonna reward you for it.
You might try, like, explicitly explaining this to someone. If you are a nice, skilled attractive person this does count for something. I'm not sure "Hi, girl-I-know, I'm incredibly inexperienced dating to the point I don't really know how it works. But I'd like to spend some time with you anyway, if you'd like to give it a shot" will work, but I'm also not at all sure it wouldn't work. And for most people, trying to get romantic success is a numbers game at the best of times so I'm not sure you are at that big of a disadvantage.
The hard part of this is they might say no; not hard because it's that bad (it's embarrassing/disappointing but you will live) but because there's almost a physiological bitterness-building response you might get that you want to keep an eye on. The trick for you, though, is probably just making some effort - it's not something anyone is really all that good at to start with. You just gotta do, I think.
my own experience, which I will say include some success in dating, presently engaged, is just about the exact opposite of Byron's. I see why this is hard to learn.
Throw out everything you believe and start fresh. Women are not forced to learn or deal with anything other than preconceived impressions about them. So don't ever start any potential courtship with any preconceptions thereof. There is just as much "expected behavior" in a male as a female and it varies so much that the worst thing you can do is prescribe it as defacto truth.
That woman is a person, a person of her own mind/right/body. If you want to court that person, then be vulnerable, not virtuous. Sex and relationships aren't a reward, they're something you work for and express a desire for but in a way that's healthy and empathetic to the signals you give and receive.
You're gonna make mistakes. You're going to lose some and win some but as long as you are yourself and you are doing what you love - then those moments you may describe as virtuous and helping others should be flipped around and turned into the vulnerability of how they're helping you. If you can do that, people will want to be with you - as friends, as lovers, as partners.
As for "first moves" - perhaps you're just missing all the signals because you seem entirely idealistic in how you view them... I meet most of my lovers through music - and I don't mean we meet at a music store or music class or at a concert - but that we "connected" through music. If your potential partner says "man i really love that band" that may be a signal that you need to clue in. If all they say is "ok" "sure" then move on if music is your thing and keep on looking. The "signal" can be just that. (inversely, if that's all you do, you're not being vulnerable and signaling either)...
replace music with food/art/movies/culture/science/whatever...
but damn, while being virtuous, be yourself. When I volunteered at camp, it was amazingly hard and easy to find people to build relationships with - hard because some didn't work and some I didn't want to end - but the experience of building that bond made me a better person and I find that experience to be infinitely easier when I recognize that people are there to experience those experiences with other people who want to share those experiences... if you don't like what you do and don't connect that to the human experiences, no one but your momma is gonna reward you for it.
You might try, like, explicitly explaining this to someone. If you are a nice, skilled attractive person this does count for something. I'm not sure "Hi, girl-I-know, I'm incredibly inexperienced dating to the point I don't really know how it works. But I'd like to spend some time with you anyway, if you'd like to give it a shot" will work, but I'm also not at all sure it wouldn't work. And for most people, trying to get romantic success is a numbers game at the best of times so I'm not sure you are at that big of a disadvantage.
The hard part of this is they might say no; not hard because it's that bad (it's embarrassing/disappointing but you will live) but because there's almost a physiological bitterness-building response you might get that you want to keep an eye on. The trick for you, though, is probably just making some effort - it's not something anyone is really all that good at to start with. You just gotta do, I think.
my own experience, which I will say include some success in dating, presently engaged, is just about the exact opposite of Byron's. I see why this is hard to learn.
Go to church.